07/02/22 (one of many living texts)

it is now the seventh of July, just another day. I left this page empty for some time, despite opening it on the Saturday date above. sometimes I feel an internal pressure to document, to write down my experiences. like there’s a hovering ghost whispering the possibility of me forgetting. forgetting something to process, forgetting something to recall, forgetting something that tugged at my heart

my friend Carol Lee told me that to her, anxiety is the body’s way of looking out for you. your safety, your health, your heart. we can recognize it and decide; we are given a choice. should we lean into that voice in the present moment? or can we acknowledge that the voice is there to protect us and we’re okay!! it’s all good here. that’s where I’m at right now, all good (okay if still very sad girl/lover girl)

being more honest with myself. though it’s recent, the end of my long-term relationship had lifted a lot of anxiety that weighed on my spirit. less anxiety and worry because of inconsistency. less anxiety and worry because of insensitivity. I still wish that he could have been the one to show up for me and to hold me when I needed him. I wish that he saw me as someone worth prioritizing and choosing. I can wish and wish and wish, but now I am here with this grief. grieving what was and what could’ve been. what we created and planned for. grieving a love that has changed

I miss him everyday. and I don’t think it’s going to get easier any time soon. I don’t necessarily believe in moving on or “getting over” someone. there is just recognition of the present. there is just recognition of what feels good for the heart. I think of him all the time (shit, it hasn’t even been a month yet so yeah). I think of him when I look at the clouds, when I see little critters, when I smell something funny lol, I can go on and on. Shit is rough. When I have moments where my heart slams against the concrete, I try to remember that my heart can’t go through any more treatment like it isn’t the most precious thing in this universe. my heart and soul deserves to be protected and cherished. I feel kind of embarrassed for some reason to say “like a queen”, but honestly, my heart has gone through so much. my body has gone through so much. I deserve a love that praises, validates, and nourishes my entire being

I still have feelings of frustration and disappointment that come up and I’m trying to be gentle with myself; know that it’s okay. accepting the silence as a response. accepting the avoidance and distractions as a response. actions are a response

I spoke to a healer (of whom I shared a transformational experience) last week, who suggested that I try to be intentional with my affirmations. tune into power that’s within. that has always been there. I’ve tried affirmations and often times it has been not only hard to practice consistency, but to also believe. and that’s not to say that I don’t believe that I have worth, that I have value, that I am lovable. I think maybe when there are times where that’s harder to recognize, it can be hard to refer to them. maybe that’s the key. maybe that’s the trick. to do it during times where you feel it most and feel it least. both sides of the spectrum need nurturing

trusting the universe more. trusting myself more. no longer do I want to convince anyone or teach anyone to show up for me. there’s a difference between communication of values, needs, and boundaries, and actionable intuition, thoughtfulness, “because I hear you and I love you”

I don’t expect perfection. shit, I am a whole mess. I don’t expect people to know how to love me. What I do have, is standards, when trust and bond has been braided. standards that a relationship space is created for the fruition of respect, sensitivity, understanding, reciprocity, support, care, love

I am trying to regularly write so I can practice the movement and flow for my thesis. my writing group for the oral storytelling project has been a source of inspiration and community-love during this creative journey. simultaneously trying to heal and grieve with love, with as much patience and kindness I can provide myself. my appetite is making it’s way back. I have been able to eat more lately, without the nausea and so much tightness in my chest; so that’s great. I also have been having more vivid dreams, without any teas or substances

lately, I have been in the mood to jot down things that I want to be more mindful of when it comes to partnerships. things that I have observed and will consider more with intention. before I begin, I do believe that people can change. people have the ability to recognize where their behavior comes from and can decide how to move forward with that. of course, everyone is on their own journey of self awareness and healing ~ reflection and introspection. “soul searching” is what a couple of people have mentioned to me. I write this for myself, to help me process the change

— — — — — — — — — — —

  • notice aggressive questioning (without tenderness and sensitivity) and bringing my identity up for debate, whether that be my Indigenous heritage and roots, my queerness, my femininity, my masculinity, my family, my figuring-this-shit-out-ity
  • knowing that gentleness and kindness CAN be intertwined with feedback and constructive criticism. awareness of tone and the power of words. I do not appreciate any debate that argues against the fact that words are powerful. I understand that mistakes happen and sometimes we say things that we don’t mean or hurt the feelings of someone we love. how do we demonstrate accountability?
  • remembering that the identities we hold, including positions of power and privilege, means that it’s a constant journey to learn/unlearn/create space/hold space. healing is fundamental to a healthy relationship with me
  • observe degrading (or not empowering) comments about my appearance and confidence; the way I dress, how I present myself, what ritualistic thing(s) I do to present myself **especially when these types of comments become more frequent than “you mean a lot to me”, “you are important to me”, “you’re beautiful”, etc. etc.** (do I need to break it down?)
  • there are intentional efforts to heal emotional barriers and challenges. willingness to learn, hold space, and be sensitive to partner’s lived experience and trauma. it is not your job to heal your partner, however, it is important to be mindful of trauma and respect their boundaries. utilization of free resources on mental health challenges in relationships was helpful for me here (still learning)
  • boundaries aren’t disrespectfully challenged, belittled, or overlooked. they are approached with care and tenderness. if a boundary is crossed, is there accountability? is there a plan to rebuild trust? is there respect and love for the person hurt? or is there resentment or defensiveness against the boundary?
  • needs and boundaries are addressed by people engaged in the partnership. unaddressed needs and boundaries are not blamed on the other person. “you didn’t do this or do that, therefore, I didn’t tell you or do this”. are you in tune with yourself? are you honest with yourself? these are important questions to ask so you can confidently and comfortably show up and communicate **especially if needs or boundaries are not being met** **especially if there is ongoing conflict**
  • ACTIONS + WORDS. WORDS NEED TO BE SUPPORTED BY ACTIONS
  • when feelings and values are communicated, are they addressed with compassion? is the heart soothed? do you go to bed upset, hurt, or crying?
  • points of connection; for the day, week, month, year, random or intentional. meeting in the middle. I don’t know if I really like the word compromise too much because love is work that aims for ease and peace. compromise is often described as something that is lost, sacrificed. I don’t necessarily believe love is sacrifice. love guides and connects the pieces
  • do you hold me during my lows as well? are you there out of love or out of desperation? to receive something in return? or because you love your/their entire being? there’s an understanding of the balance between needs and values that are clearly communicated and where there is heart-work, effort, initiative, and spiritual intuition

that is all I have for now. I likely have a million typos and I am unsure if all of this makes sense. just feeling thankful to have this space as I grow

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