heartbreak in the city that never sleeps (dreaming)

packed the night before and prepared for Guam-like weather. this is my first time in this city. I thought I would feel overstimulated, but instead I’ve felt a consistent calm throughout this trip. even when I find myself lost, I feel relaxed. humbled to walk through the noise of the city and its lively boroughs. music in the streets and it’s alive underground. listening to a saxophonist before the subway. so much is flourishing around me as I roam. roam with parts of me mourning + reawakening ~ restoring health

swimming in deliciousness and living a writer’s dream. I tried a strawberry rice milk tea today that was divine and had a slice of pizza that invigorated my love for fresh basil. I also have found peace in seeing different faces. usually, I am not one to enjoy crowded spaces, but here, it makes sense in a way. decisions are visibly curated in bodily form. though I don’t know the great depths of New York City’s history, you can feel it. I am surprised that this towering city doesn’t overwhelm or intimidate me (granted, I didn’t know what to expect, but I acknowledge my nervousness). each day, I find time to take it all in. the sounds, smells, and sights. my only regret so far on this trip is for not asking someone to shoot around at a basketball court in Harlem. being kind to the shier bits of my personality

recognizing that I haven’t done enough wandering. honoring the brave part of my self for feeling comfortable to venture alone for most of this trip. there are times that I think of him. especially on a park bench, in a cafe, or on the subway. when I’m on my feet and in physical movement, it is easier for my mind to also move forward. my feet are worn and my calves need a good roll

when my mind does take me to him, I think of the recent words he shared with me. he told me he “was lazy” to do work, unless I initiated, provided instructions, and was clear. unless I provided the heavy labor. oh, I also had to repeat myself. that was what he needed because “it wasn’t innate” (non-bold quotes are words that he used).

a piece of love wisdom I once read said “you will know if you are loved. if you are not, you will be left confused”. during the past several months, my confusion only grew. “tolerate” and “convenience” became words that he used to describe our relationship. but is that love? the most powerful and motivating force? (yes, Aaliyah was on the playlist today lol) I tried to look for answers, inward, and search for that love within myself. I tried to turn to friends and family. I tried to reflect on my trauma, if I was too dependent on him as a partner. I was acting on that love. learning about co-dependency. learning that patriarchal systems teach men to willingly accept love but not to give it. what was missing was in the partnership. remembering that he expressed distaste and feared that I relied on him. I relied on him as a partner. I appreciated his thoughtfulness. I appreciated his help. I appreciated his presence, companionship, and touch. but I didn’t need him.

when he would show up for other women with his generosity without question, but I would seemingly have to earn it sometimes. because of “I don’t care”s, “there’s Google”, and so many other comments that just scream at me when I think back on them. the repeated actions that were disengaged, detached, and distant. was that love? did he love me? or did he simply have love for me?

and once he showed me those parts of himself that left me confused and conflicted, what made me still love him despite the risen contradictions? what made me stay? despite the patterns and sometimes unexpected behaviors that overlooked my heart. didn’t treat me with the love I deserved

okay, I FULLY EMBRACE MY QUESTIONING NATURE NOW

I often felt uneasy and misunderstood. while these are different thought journeys, I have come to accept it for what it is — emotional misalignment. I will learn and realize as it comes. I don’t need my mind to go through any more hoops. I don’t deserve that.

towards ease and the natural flow of love

while I don’t agree with everything, some of those self-proclaimed love experts knew that fresh break-ups activate the soul to urgently search for peace. you’re in pain. I am in pain. time to sit with it is valid. there’s a point though where we/I try to find peace with it (even if it fleets). peace that doesn’t hold any resentment or anger, though it can be hard

wow this whole post is disorganized but tomorrow’s my last day in this city

I will spend the day in Brooklyn :)

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some trying during trying times

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